Don't Let Me Get Me
by VivaGlam
Summary: Rogue contemplates about how much she dislikes herself as the song Don't Let Me Get Me by P!nk plays in the background. Warning: This is my first songfic, and there is PLENTY of angst. Plus, it's confusing. Read at your own risk.


Don't Let Me Get Me

By P!nk

The Story by Vfgirl

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Rogue sat down at the bleachers facing the football field. She was tired of History, and so had decided to skip class, choosing instead to come out here into the fresh air to seek some peace and solitude. Peace and solitude. Now that was something that was a rare treasure, especially when one lived in a mansion chock full of mutant teenagers who constantly bumped into each other whether they liked it or not. 

She lifted her eyes to the field, and watched the some of the players on the girl's soccer team practice during their free period. Jean Grey was one of them, her vivid crimson hair making her easy to spot on the green field.

_I never win 1st place  
I don't support the team_

She felt a faint surge of bitterness rise up in her throat as she watched Jean dribble the ball before passing it to another one of her teammates. Perfect, beautiful Jean, who was always the best at everything, who always eclipsed her and everybody else in her glory and in her seeming infallibility.

_  
I can't take direction  
And my socks are never clean_

Rogue's thoughts went back to one particular Danger Room session that had made her feel like, in essence, dirt. All of them had been running through a canyon of sorts- Scott, Jean, Kitty, Kurt, and Evan, doing their best to dodge the laser shots that the room's various automated weapons had been firing at them. She vaguely remembered hearing Scott call out, in command, or warning, she wasn't sure. It had been some kind of direction, or some sort of warning, but Rogue hadn't been listening, because she'd been busy trying to dodge the lasers firing at her from all directions. Evan shouted something at her, and she remembered yelling back at him. "What?! I can't hear you!" 

Then, she turned around, and saw the lasers hitting the canyon walls. She remembered thinking 'Damn that artificial intelligence program!' as she saw the rocks fall down towards her, threatening to bury her under their weight. Then, Jean had dove in, shoving Rogue out of the way, saving her life at the expense of her own. Once Jean had been buried, the simulation had ended, and everybody had gotten back up on their feet. Everybody had said that it was ok, that it was only a simulation, and that it wasn't Rogue's fault that Jean had gotten 'killed'.

Damn them for being so nice. Damn them all. Why did they all have to be so good to her? She didn't deserve this. She was the reason why Jean had 'died', damn it!! 

_Teachers dated me  
My parents hated me  
I was always in a fight  
'Cause I can't do nothing right_

Her grades were never as good as everybody else's. Heck, even Evan got better grades than she did even when he put half as much effort as she did into her schoolwork. She never let the others see her study, of course. But she worked hard, and it disturbed her much more than she would have liked, or been comfortable to admit.

_Everyday I fight a war against the mirror  
Can't take the person staring back at me_

Her thoughts went back to a time when she'd nearly gotten into a fight with Kitty over the mirror in their room. The mirror!! How shallow was that? And she hadn't even really needed to use the mirror, too. She'd just said, 'Move over' and that had quickly escalated into something much worse, with the two of them nearly ending up exchanging blows, all because they'd both wanted to use the mirror at the same time. All this over their hair and their appearance. Rogue didn't even see a point about fighting. After all, she didn't even like the way she looked. Especially in comparison to all the other girls in the mansion. Tabby oozed confident sexuality, Kitty had her charming innocence and sweetness, and Jean was just gorgeous, period. _   
  
I'm a hazard to myself  
Don't let me get me  
I'm my own worst enemy_

Sometimes, she wanted to go up to somebody and tell them to put her in a straight jacket and throw her into a padded room. If they didn't, she feared that she would do something to herself. There were times when she just wanted to hurt herself, just to see how it would feel. She never would, of course. She wasn't stupid. But she wondered. 

People would have told her that it was all in her own head, that she wasn't really as useless or as ugly as she thought she was. But that was just it. It was in her head, and she couldn't get it out, as much as she wanted to.

_  
It's bad when you annoy yourself  
So irritating  
Don't want to be my friend no more  
I wanna be somebody else_

She wondered what it would have been like, just for one day, to lead the life of somebody like Jean. But she discarded the idea just as quickly as she had picked it up. It just wasn't a right fit. Jean was too nice, too pretty, and too popular. She would never enjoy being like Jean. _  
  
LA told me  
You'll be a pop star  
All you have to change  
Is everything you are_

Rogue nearly lifted her hands up in a gesture of frustration, her emotional turmoil twisting her face as she struggled to comprehend the feelings and emotions that were coursing through her at this point in time. So what did she want to be like? 

One thing was for sure, though. She hated being like Rogue. She hated being like herself.

_  
Tired of being compared  
To damn Britney Spears  
She's so pretty  
That just ain't me_

If she didn't want to be popular, or pretty, or nice, then what did she want to be? Like Kitty, so innocent, and endearingly sweet? Like Tabitha, so self-assured and confidant? She couldn't decide. She liked them all, and she didn't like any of them.

_  
So doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe me something  
A day in the life of someone else_

Even if a doctor could prescribe her another life, would that make her happy? Deep down inside, she knew what the answer would have been. She'd be equally as miserable, regardless of whether she was Jean, Kitty, or Tabitha. Or anybody else, for that matter. 

So what would make her happy? Perhaps she'd never know. She felt the emptiness, the pain of the black hole in her heart eating away at her soul, and she was sad. So sad. She felt like she should cry for herself, but she couldn't even find it within herself to shed a few tears for her pitiful excuse of a life. This wasn't sad. This was beyond sad. 

The bell rang, signaling the end of this period, and Rogue got up. She headed slowly back towards the school building, and bumped into a concerned looking Jean on the way back. She looked deep into Rogue's eyes, and asked if she was ok. Rogue saw the genuine feelings that this girl, this perfect, happy girl had for her, and she just wanted to raise her hand and slap her hard across the face. 

Don't care for me. I'm not worth it!! 

But instead, she smiled, and told Jean that she was alright, before turning around and walking away. A day in the life of something else couldn't help. Nothing could. 

The End

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Author's Note:

Hey to Y'all!! This is the first songfic that I've actually completed, and I know that it's not very good, so any and all constructive criticism would be appreciated. May I repeat that- *constructive* criticism. Meaning that if you intend to say that this sucks, then at least tell me why and how it sucks, so that the next one *won't* suck. 

I know this is very angsty- I actually just decided to write it while watching the music video on MTV. It's very sad, and certainly moody. I'm not Jean bashing here, and neither was Rogue. She was picking on everybody, and picking on nobody (Yes, I am full of contradictions and paradoxes). And did anybody notice that her problem was not solved at the end of the fic? That Rogue was still frustrated with herself and everybody else? I meant it to be that way. Problems don't get solved overnight, and this one certainly isn't going to be solved anytime soon.

Now, I'm done, and it's up to you guys to see if you like it. If you don't, then so be it. I don't. And Rogue certainly doesn't. 

And right now, I need to go to sleep. I'm tired. __


End file.
